DFC #460 |
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Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc. Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc. |
"My next guess is ... veal! Am I right? Did I win?"--Riff
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"Hey! Why Does Jeffy get three wriggly steam-lines when I only get two?"--Riff
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"Hey! Get the fuck back here with that parmesan grater!"--Stan Xhiao
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"Hey! If God's our father, who is this clown?"--Stan Xhaio
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"Billy always demanded a different meal from the 'imaginary waiter.' Jeffy tried to sneak away, and I just sat quietly praying for dear life. Nothing helped, though. Those two always made us eat every last bite." --Meals Fit For A Keane, Dolorous Keane-Love--Stan Xhiao
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One severe beating later, Billy learns what the incorrect response is to 'Who's been drinking my whiskey?'--Hang Lose
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"Excuse me... please tell me it's one of you that smells like three-day-old roadkill..."--aa
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Goofus displays his booger for all to see while Gallant... Oh shit, wrong URL again.--Frenchy, the Toad Swallower
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Well if dad's there, who the hell is licking my crotch?--notthemama
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"uh, i thought the plan was to beat him to death and THEN eat the leg of lamb? -family circus: the hitchcock years--cip
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And now for the end-of-day DFC commodities report. Boys' Nostrils: zero, down 2. Thel's Breasts: 1 1/2, up a half. Jeffy's Ego: 185, unchanged. Ink Percentage 15, up 11 3/4. Bil's Eyes: 20/80, down 120.--Ken
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"So which grandpa is up there, and which one is down there?"--Stealth
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P.J. liked nothing better for dinner than a turkey drumstick and a hearty stack o' flapjacks. No wonder he was lookin' like Brando at eighteen months.--scoob
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Now may I say a prayer to Lucifer, my lord?--Les Miserables
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DFC Factoid: 45% of all dinner conversation at the Keane table involves the request to "be excused." 23% of all such requests are made directly to God.--aa
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Jeffy pissed in the gravy...there, I said it, and I'm not sorry!--Les Miserables
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"I see your nausea and stomach cramps, and raise you a double kidney failure."--Helder
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"I'm not eating one damn scrap of food until Jeffy does. What kind of fool do you think I am?"--Helder
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"Wait. Before you say 'Amen,' can you ask God about the horny 9-year-old I requested last week?"--Helder
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"Ooh, ooh, that was me! Me! I did it. No supper for me, nope, right to my room. Off I go, then..."--Sean Q
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"Scooping up steaming hot food with only our mitts is gonna guarantee some questions at school tomorrow. Go get your fucking pen, Dad."--Svingen
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"I just want to serve notice that I can handle my own meat from now on... whether at the dinner table, or otherwise. Thank you."--Svingen
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Scene from Repent, Harlot Keane, Said The Cowlick Man, Ellison Press.--sx
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"All I can say is, if they let Grandpa in up there, I'm not going. That old fucker had busier hands than Dad."--spun
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"Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive! ...Say, just about ANYTHING I do is cute, isn't it?"--Valvoline
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November 14, 1952: 7-year-old Al Gore claims credit for the invention of ceiling fans, paper tablecloths, and twice-baked potatoes.--Sean Q
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I was fine when Billy started to give the emancipation proclamation speech, PJ started talking air traffic control talk into a crow's drumstick, and when the butter turned into Tom Sawyer on a river raft, but I think I freaked out and overturned the table when the evil muppet hands started reaching for my breasts. -From Chapter 4: The Best Thanksgiving we ever Had. 'Guilty Pleasures', by Thelma Keane--Mr. ?
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"I've lost my appetite. Grandma left four hours ago and this whole freaking house STILL smells like mothballs!"--I am Kirok
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Sure, Jeffy resented Billy getting more food, more attention, and more respect. But what really pissed him off was having to share a chair with "Not Me."--L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg
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Well I say, DAMN that bastard, Ebenezer Scrooge. Damn him to bloody HELL!--NME--
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"You tested this chow on the cat, didn't you? Or is she clinging to the ceiling out of sheer feline merriment?"--szielins
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You take a look! Last time I peeked under the table, I was in an institution for five months!--Mr. ?
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"Nope. 'Dolly's twat' is close, but still not it. Take a deeper whiff, Dad." 'Guess Where My Finger's Been' is a longtime favorite game at the Keane dinner table.--spun
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"EUREKA!" With that, Billy tore his clothes off and ran naked through the streets, partly in tribute to Aristotle, partly because it just felt so damn good.--Pete
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"ONE! One fully-developed breast! AH-HA-HA-HA!!"--JoeBurgher
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"I know! I know! ...1861 to 1865. Am I allowed to eat something now?"--mathew
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After even his oldest child was unable to identify him as anything other than "That Man", Bil began to sense the Father of the Year Award slipping from his grasp.--Westur the Unspeakable
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"Give me the potato salad or give me death! Give me the salt or give me death!" Well, I know which way I'm leaning, thought Bil.--Westur the Unspeakable (salvaging Hugh Jass)
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"You put your right arm in, you put your right arm out, you put your right arm in, and you shake it all about..." Billy's faux-winsome 'sing-for-your-supper' schtick fell flat, except for a wad of fan mail from a nursing home in Boise.--Svingen
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"Wait! We can't stop here! This is bat country!"--Paul T. Riddell
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DFC Fun Fact #237: This is one of only three panels in which Bil appears where the uneditted caption wasn't originally "I hate it when Daddy drinks!"--aa
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"Damn," thought Jeffy, "Could those cuffs be any wider?"--Bill
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"Where's th' LINIMENT?! Gimme a POUND CAKE!! There's a shorter line from here to BRUSSELS!!" Oh, sure, like Griffith would grab a washed-up has-been like you, Jeffy thought.--spinn (I dunno, I wanted a Zippy caption)
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"STUNT DOUBLE!"--TomF
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Soylent People is made out of greens! No wait, that's not right. Give me a second here...--Anastasia
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"Hollandaise, right?" Jeffy just sneered -- the little bastard couldn't tell Bechamel from Bernaise if he were drowning in it.--Stealth
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As he felt the rest of the family's eyes on him, Billy withdrew his motion "that we have some fucking meat on the table for a change."--Roy
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Jeffy looked on expectantly. Surely God wouldn't actually pull the finger, would He?--Westur the Unspeakable
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The restoration of DaVinci's The Last Supper in Milan met with instant and universal condemnation.--Argyle
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"Oh! Oh! I know why! 'Cause if the cartoon isn't in color, it couldn't be green!"--Larry Hastings
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"Either Billy was spontaneously channeling the spirit of Adolf Hitler, or it was a perfectly normal seizure response to hours of Bil's drunken, homicidal stare, coupled with liberal applications of tequila and two servings of Thel's creamed-pork fondue. Jeffy and I were already planning on how to divide Billy's room between us."--Dolly Keane, Memoirs of the Squared Circle--Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier
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So you set the table, gave us food and furniture, and then fuck it up by putting using a gin bottle as a centerpiece. Fuckin' A, mom. Fuckin' A.--Bill
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The entire household came to a standstill as, once again, Billy filibustered for pizza.--Farmdog Poke Cheop Barbeque
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Objection! Prosecution is leading the mashed potatoes!--Bill
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"You capitalist swine will pay against your crimes against our great nation! Stop smilin', Mommy! I mean what I say! I said, stop it! Stop laughing at me! You will all pay!"--drewbear1998
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"Hey,hombre! We got three of us that aren't cut off yet, so you'd bloody well better have some more tequila slammers when you drag your sorry ass back here!"--Hang Lose
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It became one of the best-selling paintings of all time -- after they airbrushed the table and added dogs playing pool.--Bad Girl
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"Excuse me, but isn't making us eat one of your home-cooked meals a violation of your probation?"--Helder
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"As it happens, I do have some things I'd like to talk to God about." - Bil sat numbly, thinking: I'm going straight to Hell now, aren't I?--Westur the Unspeakable
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There he is officer!....um..whoops, reflex action, sorry.--Mr. ?
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Thel smiled. Billy has finally reached puberty, and now the first tentative request for sex has finally arrived. Today Billy will celebrate 'Love Mommy the Wrong Way Day".--Rockin Squirrel
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Like Winston Churchill, Billy vowed to fight the enemy in the streets, in the fields, on the beaches, and to never surrender. Also, they both drank about a quart of scotch a day.--Pete
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"...Trying... to... scratch... top of head... can't... reach... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEBODY HELP ME!"--Jmatthew
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SOYLENT GRE---! Oh, sorry, I just had a flashback to like 400 panels ago.--Roy
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"That's right, Comrades! We must rise up and strike down opression whereever it may be! All of us our equal in the struggle against... wait a sec, why the fuck does Dolly get two rolls?"--aa
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