DFC #346 |
![]() |
|
Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc. Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc. |
Phosphates? Aren't you carrying this retro shit a bit too far?--Gen. Sedgwick
![]()
Cinderthella's fairy godson promises to turn the toy car and bedsheet into a stretch limo and kickin' threads.--NME--
![]()
Thel was aghast as she put the pieces together: the new toy truck to bribe the child into silence, the blood stained sheets, the unnatural fear of the flyswatter...--Seamus
![]()
If you "accidently" run my crack pipe through the washing machine again I'll bitch-slap your skanky ass into next week.--ralphie
![]()
I thought I told you to only starch the boxers, this stiff thong is killing me.--anon
![]()
"And when I get home from school, you'd better have my stockings and garter belt spotless!"--Westur the Unspeakable
![]()
"Mommy, Daddy said to get the fly-swatter and bleach before Dolly unties herself!"--jason
![]()
Dang, those are huge ... appliances!--NME--
![]()
Here we see young Macaulay Culkin, telling his mom she'd better start wearing something "a little more revealing" or she'll be out on the street.--Larry Hastings
![]()
Mom? There's a real plot behind you. We need to run before we're relevant.--Diedi
![]()
"What the hell is my Scotch doing up there?!?!"--Bil's Drinkin' Buddy
![]()
"The Fatherland needs laborers like you! You will be rewarded for your patient, diligent...oh, sorry, Thirties flashback. Can I go out and play?"--Marnen Laibow-Koser
![]()
"Hot water for whites, warm water for permanent press, and cold water for latex. Last time, you made a mess!"--Heath
![]()
"Oh, shit. This must be the Functional Family Circus. Barf city."--Heath
![]()
I rebuke you in-uh the name-uh of Jesus-uh!--R.J.M.
![]()
"Move over! You're in my limelight."--Heath
![]()
As the peeping tom stared through the open window behind them, he had NO idea exactly how much he was gonna see. -- Court report of the State Vs. Jeffery and Thelma Keane--Darth Vader, LOD (aka Marcus Aureillius)
![]()
"Handeth me yon flyswatter, Buxom Wench! I must do battle with a verminous plague!"--anon
![]()
Thel once again has cause to regret her and Bil's years of acid and meth as Jeffy stares up in drooling awe at the flyswatter and stammers "It's Jesus, mommy!"--Tempus Fugit, the Time Flier
![]()
Do I need anything washed? I was just up in Uncle Roy's room, wearing a clown suit and dancing a jig. How 'bout my sense of dignity?--Coalcracker
![]()
"Aha! I knew you'd wash out all the stains before Social Services got here!"--Heath
![]()
And this time go easy on the starch! I don't want to be walking around like Grandpa with a full diaper!--Nethicus
![]()
You know, Mom, if you did our laundry more than once a year you wouldn't need that spatula to scrape the sheets off our beds.--bobo
![]()
*pant* Please don't confuse <huff> Dad's crack stash with the laundry detergent again! (pant) I had police dogs chasing me *pant* across half the town!!--agm
![]()
Mommy -- Gramammary -- er, I mean Gramma is on the phone!--Vice Pope Doug
![]()
SIEG THEL!--The EXXXorcist
![]()
"Mom, quick! Call Dr. Cuthbertson! I've got disco fever!!"--the skyclad answer
![]()
"Dad wants me to bring the flyswatter, a Hefty bag, and a bottle of Jack Daniels. The Tonka truck was my idea."--Heath
![]()
"It was hard being a five year old master thief. Like the time I stole the Shroud of Turin from the Vatican, and my mother found it and ran it though the hot cycle." -- Wasted Youth by Sir Geoffrey Keane--hangtownman
![]()
"Spank me, Mo--"... no, um, "Mommy, will you suck--"... no, "I saw Daddy and Uncly Roy--"... fuck. Line!--anon
![]()
That shrunken banjo proves it! What did you do to Kermit the Frog, Mom?--Riff
![]()
Mom, could that thing - hypothetically speaking, of course - kill, say, a giant tarantula that's loose in the living room?--Riff
![]()
"Even though PJ was smaller, it was Jeffy who fixated on being treated like the pest he was. Terrified of flyswatters and pesticides, it was self-fulfilling prophecy; we found him face up with all four limbs in the air." -- Dolly Keane-Yokum, Circle of Hell--Gen. Sedgwick
![]()
Jeffy always found it freaky that his mom could identify which of the neighborhood girls he'd gotten in his bed that week just by sniffing the sheets.--agm
![]()
Fundamentalists insist that when played backwards, this cartoon contains the masked message "regnif ym llup."--kciwgdeS .neG
![]()
"Can I lean against the dryer and make funny noises too?"--M
![]()
Oh yeah, Thel? Well, I'll be thinking about that when I'm pissing on your grave!--The Plague
![]()
Back to the DFC Archive index