DFC #317 |
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Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc. Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc. |
The Deer are crossing! The deer are crossing! What the f*ck did you do with that sign, Bil?--The Mad Whacker
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Occasionally the kids would flash back to when they were breast feeding. When it happened to all of them at once Thel was in a heap of trouble.--Yakko
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O bearer of melonheaded children! O cooker of gaspetti! O casher of Bil's welfare checks! We worship you!--Coalcracker
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Boy, what are the odds? Only ten Snow geese left in the world and Billy nails one with his wrist rocket!--zazu
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Thel finally realized why the Irish call a steady, shrill high-pitched wail "keening".--Gen. Sedgwick
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... and the coconut-like sound of their heads colliding secretly delighted Bil.--Namgubed the Merry Elf
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Move it you two! We got some really pissed-off Sleestaks headin' our way! Dad, NEVER take camping suggestions from Sid & Marty Kroft again!--Doc Evil
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Suddenly, Bil noticed in terror that the pale white glow was spreading from the unholy woods to their children. He realised, too late, that they should never have come to 'Happy Cuthulu Camping Grounds'--Mr. ?
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The Roswell aliens landed in their dome shaped vehicle, but despite their expanded craniums, they were only able to communicate in disgustingly sweet, overly sentimental messages. --Mr. ?
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As the director shouted "Action" and the crowd rushed in towards her, Thel silently swore that this would be the last time she would attempt to recapture her "Midget Gang-Bang" record from Jasmin St. Clair.--tralfie
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"We're the only ones who brought an igloo!"--Larry Hastings
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Josie stared in bewilderment. Who were these children, and what had happened to the rest of the Pussycats? All this could mean only one thing: another exciting adventure!--M
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Quick! Invisible Dolly! Expand that force bubble! Jeffy - Flame On! PJThing, Fend off Cerebus! Doom and the android are mine at Last!--Greg
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Bil's revelation at the "Deer Crossing" sign was supposed give him some quiet time with his true love: the old Hasbro "Arcade Football" game he had scavenged from the County Dump and lovingly restored. But his hopes of re-creating the entire 1978 NFL season came to an abrupt and chaotic end when the self-congratulatory, savage little fucks brought down an eight-point buck, found their way back to camp AND lashed the carcass to the hood of the family sedan, all within 35 minutes. --ntzn
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Mommy Daddy! Come quick. There's a man over there selling authentic Nazi Lugers! And another one with autographed copies of the "Turner Diaries"...this is the best "WhiteStock" ever!--anon
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Thought we couldn't track you 650 miles into Saskatchewan, eh?--Namgubed the Merry Elf
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Guess what--the Pope really DOES shit in the woods!--anon
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Bil and Thel were disgusted. "Those white slavers demanded $250 a head, and they still let the little bastards get away?"--Stealth
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"There must exist some caption that successfully puts across the concept that these lines represent creases in a hermetically sealed plastic bubble. An' I think it's right over there!" enthused Billy.--ks
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"You were wrong--it only took twelve seconds for the piranhas to strip Kittykat to the bone!""--ks
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"Hey! Know what we just did? Something! You should try it sometime!"--ks
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"Hey! We finally hit a manic phase! Let's go to the... What? You're depressive again?"--ks
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With their ADD in full force, the children ran up to their parents for the 15th time, excited to have seen a "tall, brown tree".--Nethicus
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As Bil and Thel debate which one to leave behind, four eager volunteers step up to the plate.--Heath
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Like a swarm of locusts, the dreaded Woodland Piranha-Melons fell upon the hapless couple. Within seconds the only thing left was bones.--Podbeing
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Dad, you cretin! You've mounted the satellite dish upside down!--ewhac
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A talking deer, just like in a Disney cartoon! She said "Your Dad is a 24-carat-gold moron with mother-of-pearl inlays"...plain as day!--Rotter
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Good news, Daddy! Your morals charge was thrown out on a technicality! We can go home!--The Hanged man
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Translated from the Japanese: "O respected parents! Now we ask you come to see our special magic that is camping fun! See us levitate in excitement! Even the dogs are curious yes!" -- From Biru Kinosawa's Kazoku Circus--Sir Chuck
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That's odd, Bil thought, Usually the kids don't want to touch something the dog has just licked.--twomp
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"Oh, God," Bil thought. "Not another round of 'Guess What Grandma Just Did to a Random Group of Wild Animals...'"--Jamey "General Crisis" Powell
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It was the American Dream...a gorgeous loving wife beside you, and idyllic setting in the Great Outdoors, four frolicking happy little melonheads...so why, Bil couldn't help but wonder, does each moment feel like an eternity of unspeakable torment in a seething pit of despair?-- have a really nice day :)
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You gave up too soon, Dad -- a deer actually DID try to cross! Get the spatula!--Gen. Sedgwick
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"The Turners are campin' next door, and their tent is colorized!"--Larry Hastings
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Geez, thinks Thel, I even just mention firing up the ol' bong and look what happens.--Larry Hastings
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"Gabba gabba, we accept you! One of us!"--Wilhelm Nayer
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"Ha! We just rolled around in poison oak! Still wanna play 'Scoutmaster' now, asshole?"--ks
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Oh boy! Alternating Bible and Necronomicon campfire stories!--NME--
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The entire Keane family crammed into that dinky tent? That's a mental image I can do without.--Shem
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"Run, you fools! Godzilla just stomped Bambi, and we're next! "--Shem
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The look of utter dismay on Thel's face says it all. "Fuck me with a crowbar-Those little yardmonkeys found their way back."--xian, the hostess with the mostest
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As the leader of the melonraptor triad distracts their prey, the others swoop in from the sides...--Grmbrand Johnson
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"You put your left foot in, you take your left foot out..." The Hokey-Pokey marathon had been going on for hours, and the weirdly glowing children showed no signs of tiring.--ks
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In three frames from The Wizard of OZ, you can see a man who hung himself in the background.--Microman
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Hey Bil, clean the Alpo off your lap and take us swimming!--anon
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The Melonheaded Keaneasauras had razor sharp fangs, huge heads, could reach speeds of 45 miles per hour, but with a brain the size of a walnut, could only speak in bland, humorless, family oriented messages. --Mr.?
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A giant baseball hat to sleep in, two stairs leading to nowhere, my two oldest children shooting pick-up sticks from their melonheads, and a nice long BJ from my dog....this is what a vacation's all about.--Opie
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