DFC #407 |
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Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc. Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc. |
Ironic seeing these words on a Philco console, circa 1964, isn't it?--Gen. Sedgwick
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Panel three from TV Radiation Lad #1--Stefan Jones
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Bil's craziest scheme involved marketing a space-heater with a miniature billboard built-in. --Orville Jeffybacher
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Bil's mental turmoil finally culminated on that dark day when he drew Billy taking off his pants, sitting in an inner tube, singing Bavarian drinking songs in front of television.--Magritte
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"I love these retro commercials on TV-LAND, I can remember this one from when I was... just... a... little... kid...WAIT A SECOND!!"--Magikaldragon
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"Oh God, they improved KY again. So much for this weekend..."--Eric Remy
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Billy would concentrate on the television -- even singing along with the commercials -- and try to ignore the rectal bleeding.--Teddy Leonsis
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"I know what I'd like to see in that category: Government Witness Protection programs."--Twomp
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"Laugh if you want, Dad - but eventually I'm gonna levitate this thing and drop it on your ellipsoid head."--anon
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I am bored with your new and improved products. Take them away.--Field Marshall Stack
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"New and Improved lip gloss, who cares. What I need is a new and improved can of whoop ass!"--Monkey Punch
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"I don't need that. I have smooth, lovely white skin already."--Wabewalker
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I'm sorry, I am not falling for the "They're here" gag. Last time Dolly fell for it, we were cleaning ectoplasm out of the carpet for two weeks.--ewhac
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"...and please, Mr. TV, help Mr. Springer solve all our problems tonight. Amen."--Die Fledermaus
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M-O-O-N, that spells "new and improved Nivea", laws yes. -- Little Billy Keane's ill-fated audition trying out for the role of Tom Cullen in The Stand II--Jeremiah Taco
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"Can't sleep must...watch informercials...clowns will eat me for not watching..."--Amie Jozwiak
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"First it was Move Over Butter. Then it was Fuck You Margarine, and now it's Die, Lard Die! What will they think of next?"--wrong hero
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"The miracle cream guaranteed to hold down any cowlick...yeah, that's what they all say."--Tamex
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"Sure hope they invent the Internet soon."--Tamex
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"Dr. Cuthbertson said the tumor could only be treated with radiation. Dad figured he'd save a few bucks and have Billy alternate sitting real close to the TV with defrost cycles in the microwave. We buried him on a Tuesday." -Dolly Keane, The Unauthorized Autobiography--Sean Q
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"Obviously, no one is funny in New Jersey!" thought Jeffy after sitting through the first ten minutes of "Newark Improv".--Heath
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"How do you improve goldfish?"--Heath
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We've secretly replaced the aliens' Black Monolith with this 27" Black & White model. Let's see if the primate notices ...--Ken
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Fuck! The Playboy Channel got replaced by another home shopping network! Capitalism reeks!--Riff
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I don't know why I'm worried. If I'm right, I jump through the TV screen into a magical new world. If I'm wrong, the picture tube implodes around my head and I die. See? Win-win situation.--phil
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"I'll wear the shirt. But I'm not holding the blanket!" Billy hated Dad's fetish for Linus Van Pelt.--Po
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Despite all the hype, HDTV broadcasts failed to live up to expectations. Especially in households with circa 1958 water-cooled sets.--Westur the Unspeakable
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Though no one could fault Billy for his diligence in meditation, his choice of John Tesh as his Guru doomed him to rather disappointing results.--me, myself, I
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"'Too close' my ass, Thel. Jeez, you think everything I do is gonna make me go blind."--Torc.
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Billy shut his eyes, slept for twenty more years, woke up and found he was STILL in the 1950s.--schizofritz
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"Don't need no new-improved hair gel, thanks. My hair juts six inches over my forehead all by itself."--Heath
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What kind of an idiot signs up for WebTV with 200x300 resolution? All I can see is ad gifs.--Octophile
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"No thanks, I've settled for old and inferior all my life, and I'm not gonna change now."--Deiphage
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Must...finish...Jerry...Lewis...Telethon...--Doc Evil
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New improved poltergeists are heeeeeeere.--NME--
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One indication of intestinal worms is the child's persistent rubbing of the anus against the ground.--Deiphage
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Geez - The Truman Show even advertises what he masturbates with!--Duckfoot--
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"...up Jeffy's ass... And I'd stick Lucky Charms up Jeffy's ass... Yeah, and I'd stick new improved shoe polish up Jeffy's ass... And I'd stick..."--Dan Jones
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