DFC #132 |
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Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc. Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc. |
"Children learn true wisdom at the hands of their mothers." If I understand the "in bed" standard correctly, it sounds like we got a date tonight!--keef
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I think the translation is "panda testicles in monkey-brain sauce" Hmmm... Why is Jeffy hurling in his napkin?--Orion the Hunter
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How the fuck do I know what it says. It's in fucking Mardarin.--anon
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The waiter should have let Jeffy kill the snake, he was the one it bit. Can I take the fried skin to school for show 'n tell?--Horselover Fat
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Never mind what the fortune says. Any idea why the lady by the window is flipping us off?--Charlie Steinhice
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It says "Your mother will grow a second breast, making all Nancy Reagan captions useless"! As if! Holy shit! You did!--Bill Versteegen
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I told you! I always get the "Incest is best" fortunes! Who am I to argue with fate?--Nazi Rape Machine
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Thel, I will do this thing you ask of me. However, one day I may ask a favor in return...most likely shortly after I hit puberty.--Storm E.
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I told you Saki wasn't a fruit juice! Now we'll have to drag Jeffy's ass to the car!--Pastor of Muppets
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Boy, Dad's not a very good waiter. I think he gave us the bill from that old couple that just had tea.--Myke
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It wasn't a bad meal, but I really think you're establishing a dangerous precedent by selling Jeffy's body to science to pay the bill.--Myke
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Holy Moses! It's a message from Lil' Orphan Annie! She says that she's a slave worker in a cantonese food processing plant, and that if we honor Sandy's memory we shouldn't eat the General Tso's chicken.--Stefan Jones
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This is really creepy, mom. It's a message from grandpa. He says he can forgive you for passing on your melon-head genes to his grandkids, but not for their lack of necks, which he blames on someone named "Sluggo." What does that mean, Mom? Huh?--Stefan Jones
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Well, I wouldn't have ordered "Moo Pak Lee Dao" if I'd known it was Chinese for "Legs of older brother, body of little brother below torso."--Joe Klein
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"You will follow in your father's footsteps." Oh, great. I get to look forward to a life of no artistic ability, drunkenness, drug addiction, and getting hosed up the ass by a large black man that I pass off to my kids as "Uncle Roy." I think I'll just killl myself now and get it over with.--The Lawyer
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Mine says "No Matter How Far or How Fast Your Mommy Drives, Your Daddy Will Find You."--Bob Schmalfeldt
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" Scores of people will submit mean captions about you and your melon-headed siblings. " ...What the Hell?--Doc Evil
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I just love comin' to Chuck E. Changs! After I read my fortune, I'm gonna play "Skee Barr".--Biff Stryker
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You're just way too fuckin' cheap. This crappy duct tape may keep Jeffy from eating anything, but I'm just a little too strong for that.--BigDog
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Mine says, "You will be hungry again in one hour." How could they possibly know that?--Amazing AlKirk
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"Confucious say: Boy with Melon head often spit seed". It's handwritten. I'll be back, Mommy. I'm gonna go kick the manager's ass.--Vice Pope Doug
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It says: "You look good without a bra. Call 555-6969". That's silly! I never wear a bra!--Vice Pope Doug
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Ah yes, another "eating one". Well, we finally got to eat Barfy, even if it was indirect, an' I'm pretty damn sure those little cubes were Soylent Green. An' I feel like I've been poisoned. Ah yes, "Dining Out in the Difficult Zone"!--Vice Pope Doug
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I told you my booger was bigger than yours, Mom.--Will Smith
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"You will lose both legs in a horribly painful accident" Hey, this is the same one Jeffy got last week!--Coyote
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"You are blessed with wisdom, compassion, and fortitude. Too bad your head is so goddamn big."--10,000 Pieces of Mold
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They're on to us. My fortune says, "You will pay for your meal this time or I will call the cops."--Roy
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Look at my fortune, "You round-eyed, pasty faced heathens have unwittingly eaten your father!" No wonder I have a bad taste in my mouth!!--Bill Versteegen
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"You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny." Why do I always get this one?--gamer
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Lessee, Smiley face "The waiter will notice your little brother's unflattering impression of a Chinese man, and set fire to your house later tonight." Smiley face. --Milo B.
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Aw, damn! The instructions say you sprinkle the Beano on the food, not take it afterwards!--Rotter
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Jeez, is EVERYONE white in this strip?--Milo Bloom
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Jesus! Just look at these "Dilbert" clippings! They've got to stop shrinking the comix page!--Rotter
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How the fuck should I know what this says. You're the one who keeps blowing all my teachers so they can just pass me to the next grade!--Tazabby
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"Incontinent chef peed in your rice."--F. Jackie
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"Sure it says that; remember that time at Taco Bell when you thought '!Chinga tu madre, pendejo!' really meant 'May the Lord be with you'?"--Paul T. Riddell
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"If you find a rabies tag in the kung pao beef, is that lucky or should I be worried?"--Paul T. Riddell
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"If you can snatch the Wrigley's Spearmint from my hand, it will be time for us to leave."--Paul T. Riddell
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Woohoo! The one place we're ALLOWED to eat cat and dog!--Yakko
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"Aw come on Mom! Enough with the needle dick jokes! Do I do 'vanishing hooter' jokes?"--DBH
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"You will soon dine with a sperm-burping gutter-slut"....Wow! These fortune cookies really work!--kafka
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Thel was about to learn the consequences of letting an 8 year old boy order "Kung Pao Poodle"........sudden projectile vomiting.--kafka
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It says "Rady, you have velly bad haircut now"--Rainman
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I swear this tasted like Barfy, but that can't be cuz we ate him like 20 captions ago.--Don Spudleone
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"Mr. Bond, the Chinese food you just ate will cause your body to disappear." Uh, Jeffy, I think I got your fortune. And you got the wrong dinner.--Anastasia
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"One day, more people will make fun of your name than they do of Dick Trickle's."--Anastasia
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"You will be plagued by constant jokes of incest, sadism, and cranial deformity." These are so fake. That could apply to anybody!--Greg J
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SURE I can fake an orgasm! HA! Meg's a freakin' amatuer. Watch this...--Doc Evil
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" Excessive masturbation will make your little brother really nearsighted. " --Doc Evil
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"You have knowingly chosen to eat 'Chinese' food prepared and served by midwestern yankee white devils. Prepare for severe gastrointestinal distress, barbarian!"--some asia-am guy
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It says "For another 10 million, you can get the rest of Jeffy's body back." Am I supposed to add "in bed" to that?--Yakko
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"Bloodhounds will lead police to your body."--Larry Hastings
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You mean there's a BILLION people who actually eat this crap?--Joe Blow
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What'd the waitress mean when she told Dad, "I love you long time"?--Joe Blow
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