DFC #377 |
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Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc. Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc. |
"Tell Thel to fire up the station wagon. Ol' "Rainman", here, is countin' cards like a bitch and ready for Vegas..."--Tillman
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You haven't missed much...Billy still has 19, and daddy just hit again with 87...he's just not picking up on the nuances of this game...--R.J.M.
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In order to escape Dolly's constant bitching Bil would escape to the world of solitaire. "Gentle Queen of Spades," Bil thought "you'll never let me down."--Schlomo
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A typical night at the Keane home involves Bill playing with himself in front of the children.--Krusty the Clown
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"We're all stumped. I don't suppose you know what a five looks like?"--Westur the Unspeakable
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Daddy is queen high...and I don't mean cards!--R.J.M.
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"Well, we were gonna play Hearts, but Uncle Roy won't play any game where the worst card in the deck is the Queen of Spades."--Sean Q
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Bring "Diamond Bill" another complimentary scotch. He's so loaded he just hit on 20!--Joe Blow
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We got the tarot cards and the bonfire, so if Thel is finished smearing her naked body in goat's blood, Satan ought to be here any time.--lefty (for Opie)
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Leave it to the Keanes to be the one family that collects Arena Football trading cards.--Opie
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I don't know...dad's playing cards, but every time he draws a heart he just snorts and says, "Yeah, right." By the way, where is Mom?--The Unmasked Revenger
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Nero fiddled while Rome burned. Bil just played cards with his bastard spawn while the ATF agents fired incendiary bombs into the kitchen of the Branch Keanidian compound.--Andrea
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Sure, Billy's winning, but he isn't playing fair, you ask me--using the naked Cub Scouts card pack is a pretty cheap way to win.--Hippie
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The wildfires made their way up the street, cutting off our escape. Soot blackened everything, PJ was burnt to a crisp and Bil just sat there, trying to figure out what to do with the Three of Diamonds. Of course I left the fucker behind! -- It Goes on the Black Four!: The Jeffy Keane Story --Raven
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We've secretly replaced PJ, the youngest Keane with a baby harp seal in overalls, let's see how long it takes for them to notice...--The Notorious D.F.C. (I give 'em 3 years minimum)
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DFC Fun Fact #412: Bil Keane was brainwashed in the same North Korean POW camp as Raymond Shaw (cf. The Manchurian Candidate.)--Gen. Sedgwick
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No, we don't want to see your "Richard Simmons" impression again. We'd rather watch Dad play solitare...which should tell you something.--Smokey
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"It's Bil's new Keane-ochle deck. He replaced the one-eyed jacks with a one-nostriled Billy and a one-breasted Thel."--Mr2001
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Magic: The Gathering. To play all you need is a table, a deck of cards, and a couple of geeks who found Dungeons and Dragons too challenging.--Opie
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Why is it that when Bil plays Strip Solitare, *we* always lose?--Myname
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You know that one King who's stickin' his sword into his skull? Daddy's been starin' at it for hours!--agm
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Now the bets are getting interesting. Whoever loses this round is gonna get drawn in a g-string.--Cadillac Man
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If you guys keep foolin' around you're gonna misrupt the psychical energy fields an' Billy's gonna hafta call the fat lady at the Psychical Friends Network to get a tarot reading.--Citizen Cocaine
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. . . and when you LOSE, you get to jump up and down and kick things and use cusswords and say bad things about God. It's a REALLY cool game!--Pete B.
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"The flash cards aren't working. Get the Big Bird video!"-- Crazy Climber
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Told ya-- Billy's not 'tarded, he's 'tistic! He can count cards just like Rain Man!--Andrea
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Damnit, Jeffy! PJ was thrown clear of the blast. Can't you do anything right?--Seagull
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Shhh, Jeffy! Billy has almost won our freedom from this endless nightmare! He doesn't want to know about pasgetti!--xian, the boy with the monkey heart
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I told him to play on Sunday, when the game would actually be difficult, but he can't even win with only black cards.--colorblind lemon
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You better get yer ass over here, Dad's putting your college fund in as the ante.--John Martinuk
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"I couldn't believe it either, but I guess if dogs can play poker . . ."--Lloyd Dobler
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"These tarot cards say you're going to die tomorrow, Jeffy. Can I have your toys?"--Supergasm
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Daddy just waxed the entire floor with his shirt, and now he's trying to tell Billy's fortune with the Uno deck. I think the fumes are starting to get to P.J., too.--Uncle Stinky
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Bil decides to let fate determine what he should do with the kids. "If the next card is a four, I will kill the kids--damn! If the next card is a four I will kill the kids--damn! If the next..."--Coyote
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Jeffy, check and see if the house can extend Mr Keane's credit by another $1000. Also, have a hostess show Mr. P.J. to his room. -- from Martin Scorcese's Casino 2: The Family Years--HasNoName
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"OK, Queen of Cups inverted, that means that Billy's legs are going to morph in a shapeless blob of black goo. Next the Hanged Man, tells us that Jeffy will be pestered by an tiny image of PJ circling his head. Next we have..."--hangtownman
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It's called "Blackjack" and daddy's showing us how to play. So far he owes Billy $947 and Thel.--myke
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Blissfully unaware of the raging inferno in the next room, the Keanes continued to play with their Pop-Tart collection.--The Dog
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After the small explosion in the Meth Lab, Bil consults the tarot cards for his next move.--Merlisk
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Dad's playin solitaire on a mirrored coffeetable. Pretty fuckin' sad, don'cha think?--zen
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It's called 'furniture', and if ya pay me a dollar I'll let you touch it!--Luna
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It's about fucking time! We've taken almost a grand from this sorry bastard!--nailhead
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