DFC #406 |
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Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc. Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc. |
Ever since Thel painted her memorial tribute, St. Jeffy on the wall, Bil would always offer the first piece to the image.--Ken
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The voices in Jeffy's head telling him that Elbonia had declared war, he went to Defcon 1 and launched all his missiles.--Ken
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"Miss Thang!! Do you really expect an Empress such as I to even touch an apple fritter? Now you listen girlfriend, go get me some caviar and champagne, and put your wig back on!--The Dog
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While Jeffy's fear of pastries may at first appear irrational, when placed in the context of Uncle Roy's penchant for cream puffs it can be fully understandable.--lefty
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Although it was rather harsh, Bil's lesson taught Jeffy to never leave the hamster's cage door open.--The Dog
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sucroanoculophobia - the fear of being offered sweets from a person without eyes.--DirtyBorg
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"If those are the livers, then what did we ship to Mexico this morning?!?"--Monkey Punch
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"Sugarless gingerbread men?!! Dammit dad, I'm jonesin' here! I need my sugar fix!!!"--Helder
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Jeffy was astonished. Not only was Bil interupting HIS solo, but he was also taking one of HIS danishes! Heads would roll.--Monkey Punch
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"Ohmigosh! That one looks like the Scourging of Jesus! And you expect me to eat it?!"--Stealth
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"I can't focus my telekinesis! I...can't...focus...my...telekinesis!"--Stealth
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That clinches it, thought Bil, No more trips to the Rorshack Bakery until Jeffy finishes therapy.--Sean Q
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Panel Six from the quickly withdrawn Commission for Mental Hygiene pamphlet Unhappy Campers: Does Your Kid have a Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? produced by Bil Keane on community service time--Hideo Spanner
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Sensing his sugar-glazed prey, the voracious Jeffyraptor rears up to strike...--Ace
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Much to Jeffy's dismay, it seems you really could catch the Gingerbread Man.--Lt. Dan
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"Jesus Christ, who deep fries a fuckin' punkin pie? Is this bakery run by your art school?"--Torc
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"NO!! You've disrupted the balance of the Fritters!!! Dad, that just destroys the dining room's whole Fung Shwei..."--Don Cabron
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An ad for Bil Keane's failed spin-off product "I can't believe it's not Barfy."--Lord Zombie
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Suddenly, it all came alive again. The grocery store, that glance up the skirt, the chilling realization that Cookie Lady was a man.--Heath
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Bil knew it was a rotten trick, but it was the only way he could get in to see that cute Pediatric Dentist again.--R.J.M.
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Tragically, ShatnerPatties(TM) didn't catch on with the public, even with the promise of real Shatner in every morsel.--Orrin Bloquy
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From The Dysfunctional Deck: The 3 of Clubs--Ken
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TULSA (AP): Officials at the Sara Lee Headquarters today denied allegations of false advertising associated with their 'Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee' jingle.--Heath
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Bil stared dispassionately as Jeffy whined and peed the chair, but damn it, his dad made him eat deepfried Marv Albert toupees and it made a man of him.--Orrin Bloquy
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Bil's rule: "One cow chip for every "C"". Everybody dreads when the report cards come in. --Walrus
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As the common woodland Jeffy (genus melonheadi) rears back on its hind legs and hisses when threatened, so must you invest in Mutual of Omaha Insurance...--Pete
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I'll pass, thank you. I'm tryin' to cut down on my intake of, um, driftwood...--Doc Evil
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Yikes! Don't get me wrong, Dad -- it's sweet that you're trying to maintain my sheltered existence. But I think biting off the genitalia of my gingerbread men may not be the best way to do that.--Coalcracker
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Eat them, filial unit--I mean, son. They are not soaked with hypnotic drugs designed to weaken your will as you might think.--Pete
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Bil demonstrates the amount of pastries it takes to equal the nutritional value of one bowl of Total.--Namgubed the Merry Elf
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Jeffy realized he had lost the bet when his father produced the hairpieces of Sam Donaldson, Geraldo, and William Shatner, all on the same day.--anon
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"You IDIOT! For THIS, you opened the '96 Corton Bressandes?"--Randall
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Jeffy saw his dad and froze. A parachute-cloth Members Only jacket? Had the '80s revival come so soon?--scoob
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Bil still remembers how badly his pubic hair joke went over at the house of young Anita Hill.--Wonder Woman
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In hardball contract negotiations, Bil showed Jeffy what a cartoon character looks like after it's been de-hydrated into petrified ink scribbles.--Toon Town
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The intended third panel of Keane's Grocery Triptych lost much of its impact when the syndicate inserted Still Life with Dog Shit and three other panels into the sequence.--Gen. Sedgwick
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Bil figured "bear claws" sounded too scary, so he called them "George Wendt's Hemorrhoids."--NME--
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Jeffy realized he was in real trouble when Bil touched the lump of pure, concentrated evil -- but did not disintegrate.--Lloyd Dobler
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You traded all our magic beans for baked goods?--Anastasia
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"Son of a.." thought Bil. "This morning, it was a stain in the carpet. Yesterday, a mold patch in the fridge. NOW the kid thinks Grandpa came back as a freakin' fritter..."--Don Cabron
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Bil trumps Jeffy's raspberry bismarck with a still-warm cream-cheese kolachi.--anon
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"Hi there, Jeffy! I'm Mr. Donut! You know, Jeffy, Mr. Donut will arise and smite you down if you ever tell anyone about the Bad Thing Daddy did to you last night! Understand? Understand?!"--Pete
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paid the power bill, check... got the car washed, check... finished next week's cartoons, check... traumatized Jeffy, check... - Bil's Things To Do list.--tgapds, rummaging through yellow.
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I told you NOT to sugarcoat my biopsy results.--Argyle
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Oh my goodness! Zang-differed doraxes! Eep-fried gingerhoses! Och! Gob-polranned gibdors! Soosoo-fiffered yamgs! Ick! Jobble-druffuxed hemyodlers! Vortes-genlyed zomboras! Och! Hempie-zigzorged deemstros! Jub-denaged horders! Ick! Yipple-froonged zipperdras! Onst-stobbed hrugs! Och! Ubber-joddled xers! Jondle-ordastercliteimanderated fifawests! Ick! Hemmble-yerianfled sevvdormarias! Gorbo-cobbledanexed yeddles! Och! Oh, take it away! Take it away!!--There's actually a pretty good story behind this!
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They're made of people! Soylent Fritters are made of flour, sugar, eggs, cinnamon, and people!--me, myself, I (defying the Difficult Zone)
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Then Bil unveiled his prized possession. His collection of laminated turds.--Po
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People's Propaganda Series: Gluttonous bourgeoise child confronted by Chairman Mao.--Chairman Po
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Classic bad timing. Jeffy climaxed right as Bil was returning from the bakery.--Bad Girl
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Jeffy was horrified as Bil took out the "visual aides" for their next sexual encounter.--The Mad Whacker
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Suddenly, it occured to Bil: With his portly physique, mid-1950's entrapment complex, and Shooting Exclamation Mark Syndrome, Jeffy was the perfect trade bait to get Cookie Bumstead over to the DFC...--Don Cabron
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Fishy Slop? I asked for vichyssoise, you culturally brain dead moron. Now lets see what you brought when I asked for Grey Poupo..OH MY DEAR LORD!--Mr. ?
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Zoiks! A young Shaggy's first exposure to Scooby Snacks would prove life-changing.--Coalcracker
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The gut-wrenching scene from the long awaited sequel, "The Baker, The Cartoonist, His Son and The Tropical Fish".--Nethicus
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Bil secretly enjoyed serving bear claws after reading Winnie the Pooh--R.J.M.
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My God! It's the missing third pastry! Billy was innocent after all! Too bad they fried the poor fuck last Tuesday.--me, myself, I
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The little freak said bear claws, Bil thought. Took all night with extra-strength sedatives and a hacksaw, but I got the little bastard his bear claws. Now let's see those family services pricks call me a bad father.--Nethicus
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"AAAAAAUGH! I'M A CHARACTER IN AN AGRESSIVELY CUTE WHITE-BREAD COMIC STRIP APPEALING PRIMARILY TO OLD LADIES AND EVIDENCING NO KNOWLEDGE AT ALL OF HOW REAL CHILDREN TALK! ...But, yes, now that you mention it, I will have bite of pastry."--murray macintosh
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Funnel cakes without the powdered sugar?!? Are ye DAFT, man?--Doc Evil
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