DFC #329 |
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Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc. Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc. |
"I thought 'water wings' were kinda like balloons, but the ones Daddy got us are made out of cement."--Mycroft
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"I am thoroughly sick of having all my eyes, nose, mouth and ear all on one side of my damn head!"--Leonard Da Vinky
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"Does anybody ELSE want to compare me to Shamu?"--Magus
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Just keep holding that breath Jeffy ... I'll get that lifguard to notice my stunning good looks and model-like pout any minute now..--Rick L. ![]()
New evidence has turned up that the classic representation of Chuthulu may have been wrong. Here is an artist's rendering of how the Unholy Ancient One might appear today.--Mr. ?
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Whaddaya mean, Playboy hasn't called me back yet!?! LOOK at me! I'm centerfold material, DAMMIT!!!--Kurt L.
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"Damn it - we travel all the way to Lourdes and I'm still a stumpy melonheaded freak!"--hangtownman
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"I hate those stupid synchronized swimmers!"--Aix
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If ya wanna teach P.J. to swim, Daddy, I'd suggest taking him out of his car seat first!--Mr. Ben McClellan
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Only Bil Kean take his family on a swim vacation... in March... in Minnesota. Hurry up with that ice pick, Jeffy. Billy's air hole has done froze over again--Bat
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Please tell maintenance the rink's thermostat needs to be adjusted.--Gen. Sedgwick
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You know what this means don't you? Melon heads have a crush depth of less than six feet!--Norm DePlume
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"Why do I always have to swim in the shallow end of the gene pool?!"--Magus
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Mother, there's an old man defecating in our pool... and I think I know why the water's always so brown!!!--Mr. Fungfung
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A young Xena, Warrior Princess dispatches her first enemy. --Mr. ?
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Dolly's Olympic figure skating dreams are dashed after Bil foolishly books all of her rink time in July.--bobo
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"Honorable Father, Number Two Son has displeased you and brought shame and grief to our family. I have righted the wrong. Hai!"--M
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"This is the last time I'm coming to La Brea for vacation!"--anon
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Not only is your idea of "breeding giant seagulls for revenge" stupid, Bil, but they have crappy aim.--Lost in Erehwon
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Let me explain why an outdoor Olympic-size bidet is neither erotic nor a good birthday present.--Xebec
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"I grimaced. As Daddy put more film in the camera, he told me to undo the first swimsuit strap. I knew the pictures would be on the Internet in hours. But how else could we pay Mom's detox bills?" -- from Goodbye, Dolly: Leaving the Keanes Behind by Dolly K. Robinson--Crazy Climber
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"But I don't wanna recreate my birth!"--M
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Thel. Please. Get. Bil. Out. Of. My. Bathing. Suit.--Darth Vader, Lord of the Dance
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This proves there had to be a much larger hole in The Minnow for it to sink so fast. Call Oliver Stone! I smell a conspiracy!--Anastasia
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Does anyone else find the phrase "hot and wet" as amusing as Billy did? Anyone?--Peon
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It's a new technique--ventriliquism flatulance!--mommah behr
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At one point, Stephen King's disgust with the film industry led him to "Keane Creative," whose adaptation of "The Raft" was less than King had hoped.--phil
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Turn that music down, Dolly. Take yogurt instead of pudding, Dolly. Don't tie bags of cement to your brother's feet, Dolly. All you do is bitch, bitch, bitch.--Ultra-Girl
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Jesus Christ Bil! I meant you should wear foot thongs to the pool!--Coyote
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Olympic Swimmer Barbie, my ass! They shoulda named her Catfish Food Barbie.--Gen. Sedgwick
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I know it was you, Daddy -- I recognized the boombox from #326!--Gen. Sedgwick
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Keep yer distance asswipes! As I've already demonstrated on Bil, my ponytail becomes a deadly weapon when wet!--Doc Evil
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There once was a kid in a pool / whose voice was both cutting and cruel / but the most awful sound / was the time that she found / she was up to her chest in some drool -- From The Big Book of DFC Limericks--Westur the Unspeakable
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Okay, so now I'm the oldest child, and I want the biggest allowance!--Lost in Erehwon
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I don't suppose it occurred to any of you morons that Gramma shouldn't go swimming so soon after her stroke?--Lost in Erehwon
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Cheap bastard. Gluing arms and a back on an old Flexible Flyer does not make a real lounge chair.--Gen. Sedgwick
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Coming Summer '98..."Splash II" Starring Mindy Cohn and Emmanuel Lewis--Opie
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This sucks! This is the third litter I've had to take care of...can't we do the humane thing and have Kittycat spayed?--Opie
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It clearly said "Not to be used as a flotation device." Next time pay attention! Oh, and dibs on his room.--Gen. Sedgwick
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As we can see from his rendition of Scylla and Charybdes, "Bil Keane's Illustrated Odyssey" was a doomed idea from the start.--Riff
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Jim Henson's Esther Williams & Jaques Cousteau babies.--Doc Evil
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"What kind of fish are these?"--Heath
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"So that's why King Features is called a 'syndicate'."--Heath
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"Yeah, I drowned him. But Billy started it!"--JoJo the Idiot Circus Boy
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Many years ago, the first Keanes emerged from the primordial ooze, only to discover that other lifeforms were lightyears ahead of them.--Magus
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Misunderstanding her family's frantic warnings and gesticulations from the pool deck, an irritated Dolly failed to notice the mighty and mysterious whirlpool that had been steadily forming behind her. ***Next week in the funnies!*** Marmaduke is doused in a deluge of urine saturated chlorine water, and a new turn of events baffles Mary Worth when a wet, shivering melonhead suddenly lands on the hood of her car.--robocop
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PJ isn't a witch.--ewhac
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Much like the Yeti thas an american cousin Bigfoot, the Scottish Nessy has Melony.--twomp
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"Mom, Jeffy just went down. Do you still need a reason to kill the sharks in our pool?"--Magus
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"Hey, don't stare at me! I didn't do it!"--anon
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So what if he's gone down for the third time? That still leaves him a few thousand times behind Thel.--Gen. Sedgwick
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Man, El Nino sure can fuck up a sandbox.--Gen. Sedgwick
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Moooom! Will you please tell that Aquaman dork to stay in his own damn comic?!--Mr. Ben McClellan
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"Pop quiz, hotshot... your youngest son is two feet tall, and the pool is three feet deep. What do you do? What do you do?--Disco Fever. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
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[ insert shallow end of the gene pool joke here ]--xian, the boy with the monkey heart
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Hey! Whoever threw that brick at Billy just got my hair wet!--Xebec
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See, I told you PJ's not tall enough for the deep end yet.--Kyosuke
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Mom! There's a Difficult Zone in the pool!--anon
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"I don't know what you're talking about, Jeffy. I don't see any sniper... Jeffy?"--ks
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"Mom! Jeffy's bottom-feeding again!"--ks
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"Anyone else have any smart remarks about my wearing overalls in the pool?"--ks
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"God damn it! Billy passed out again?! Listen, people, if nobody can sober this bitch up long enough to shoot one lousy little splash-fight scene, I'm off this picture."--ks
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"Mommy! The primordial ooze is formin' proteins again!"--ks
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"This sucks. Next time, I get to be James Cameron, and Billy has to be the brutally overworked production assistant."--ks
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