DFC #20 |
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Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc. Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc. |
Day 3: My daughter has been trained to beg. She will stand with her mouth open until I give her a treat. This is more amusing than I hoped.--Felix W.
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Gee, I didn't think that dad would go out cold after just one smack with a book, but you sure proved me wrong, mom. --J-rad
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Even if Tolstoy's wife did copy "War And Piece" seven times in longhand, I'm pretty sure it wasn't because her Mommy refused to feed her until she finished!!!--Andy Ihnatko
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Don't worry, Daddy will never find your treasury certificates. I hid them inside this book on perspective and anatomy.--Andy Ihnatko
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"Mommy, will you read American Psycho to me again? The part with the nail gun?"--skullboy
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...and so, under a Title IX ruling, the easement fee on your property can only be assessed at 18.5% of Commonwealth table rate, and not county rate. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got paying clients waiting on hold!!!--Andy Ihnatko
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Thanks for letting me borrow that Jackie Collins novel. Oh, by the way, Teacher wants to see both you and Dad tomorrow afternoon.--Andy Ihnatko
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Crap! We were supposed to put two stitches in the mitral valve and we should have done the aortic lavage first, not last! We gotta open Daddy up again right away!--Andy Ihnatko
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Don't ask me. I have no idea WHAT cutesy comments Keane expects me to make about this unidentifiable blob of shit. Personally, I think he should have let Jeffy handle this one. He seems to work well with the more abstract concepts.--Poop
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His testicles are pressed in here, next to some wild-flowers.--anon
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There! I've written my expose on our family "experiences" in the cellar! So whose laughing now, bitch!--the brian
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Hey you weren't kidding! Your "little black book" is bigger than Heidi's; I guess the McDonalds approach to selling yourself does have its advantages!--Rusty Q.
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According to the Bible, you're hovering three inches above the ground because either you're afflicted with a dark aspect or you've been granted the power to heal. There's a more obvious answer, but it's nothing I haven't told you before...--Andy Ihnatko
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It says in Ezekiel 33:22 that you're hovering above the ground as a sign that you're to be the Watchmen for the Israelites. Alternatively, it says in 1 Corinthians 9:25 that Keane can't draw a friggin' polar bear in a snowstorm.--Andy Ihnatko
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Look, if you won't let me do an exorcism, at least let me slide the Bible under your feet. I mean, do you have to advertise that you've become the willing thrall of Gr'Doth?!?--Andy Ihnatko
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I STILL don't understand why Heather has two mommies.--zazu
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Your magick book says we need a young girl's beating heart. We don't have... why are you looking at me like that?--Dan
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It's the "Contract With America". I found it under "fiction".--zazu
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It's called "Cartoon Backgrounds Made Easy". Make sure that dad reads it.--zazu
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Daddy's gettin' his 38 now, Mommy, so I'd advise ya ta make your peace with the Lord!--anon
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Well, the PDR says that for a man of Daddy's size it would take at least 30 grams to kill him.--Rishmawy
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I swiped it from Hair Cuttery. I think its about time you changed that silly hairdo.--Roxanne LeReaux
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Why does Daddy call this his "little black book"? It isn't little at all!--atomic punk
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No, no...you see, it says here that as a point of law, Keane's copyright is for the drawing together with its caption. Therefore, we're not technically violating a published copyright.--Andy Ihnatko
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"Look, Mommy, I can do the "Levitate" spell already!"--Mr. Clean
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Do you think it's too late to give Daddy this book on humour?--Zarcon, Devourer of Nuts
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If I'm supposed to be made in God's image, how come this bible says nothing about God being a dumpy little troll.--Zarcon, Devourer of Nuts
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Well, now that I've read the complete works of Sarte, all I can say is that this shithole is even more meaningless.--Tim K.
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Well, if it's such a big secret why is your _Illuminati_Handbook_ sitting on the coffee table?--The Unmasked Revenger
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Reading? Hell no! I saw a big ass spider around here that needs killing!--Nethicus
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Mommy, why does Keane give you all the neck? I look like my head is sewn to my damn shoulders.--BK
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Guess what? This book contains the collected captions of Andy Ihnatko for _this_ cartoon _alone_!--anon
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The other coven members want to know if we can have some light refreshments after the meeting tonight."--John Boy
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Mommmmm! PLEASE put the book back under your feet or all those assholes at DFC will make even MORE fun of Daddy's perspective problem!--PG
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Here's your college diary back Mom. It says dad gave you the orgasm of a lifetime. Do you still have it? What color is it? Can I play with it? Will daddy give me one too?--Michael Wyatt
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We need to talk... I've been doin' some reading, and it says here that a girl my age should be much taller than her mom's kneecaps.--anon
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Mommy, can you help me? I can't find the part about "And thou shalt beat thy child nightly with an iron rod, and deprive thy child of both food and drink for a fortnight". --Craig
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"It's Bill Gates' biography. I found it at the used bookstore, in a big pile marked 'FREE: TAKE ONE'."--Paul T. Riddell
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"It's either the Necronomicon or a Microsoft management handbook. Either way, we're in big trouble."--Paul T. Riddell
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Mommy, this Bible says that all the games we play are called "unclean."--Kittycat
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Mom, where would I find "foaming vaginal discharges?"--Len Mizutowicz
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I can't find anything that explains the blood running out of my ass and down my leg!--Len Mizutowicz
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You're not a fashion plate! you're a fashion RISK!--zazu
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I've reviewed dad's nude studies and all I can say is that you naked on all fours with a riding crop shoved up your ass can hardly be considered tasteful!--zazu
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Wow, Mom! A "Naked Lunch" pop-up book! What a terrific birthday!--placentahead
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The 'Anarchist Cook Book' says that we can use moth balls, amonia, and a little ether. I figure we'll need about 90 seconds of fuse to get safely out of the blast area.--John Boy
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Mommy, does someone kill an animal in every Stephen King book?--anon
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Read me the part where Abraham lies with his daughters again!--JimmyO
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