DFC #430 |
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Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc. Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc. |
"Behold! The horn of Gabriel! Now shalt thou feel the wrath of the LORD!"--Semillama
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Thel stared in disbelief at the shiny horn. Had Billy found somebody else to do his polishing?--scoob
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Nope! Doesn't fit!--Snafflepod
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Billy's stubby fingers closed around the trumpet, and it began to glow. He slowly floated off the floor. "Wheeeee!"--Snafflepod
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I told all the other kids this was the Seventh Trumpet, an' they all missed the Rapture. Those expressions were priceless!--Namgubed the Merry Elf
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That stupid clown never knew what hit him.--Judgement Night
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That Harmony Smurf was a total pushover.--Judgement Night
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You know what I found out at the sleepover last night? Michael Jackson's a musician!--Coalcracker
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Man, Mr. Wilson's funeral was the best!--Ken
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"Check it out! I swiped the Horn of Gabriel! Apocalypse now, baby!"--Pete
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"Hey, where's that asshole Roland? I've been calling him for hours."--Pete
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That Paintshop Pro Clipart disk didn't know what hit it!--Mr. ?
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Jeffy finally got laid!--Cadillac Man
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Vinny's a made man now, Mom! That means I'm gonna be his second-in-command when the Don finally croaks!--Cadillac Man
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"You'd never believe these freaky new martini glasses they have at the Flamingo!"--Torc
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"Lad-ies and Gentlemen...make way for the King of Cartoons!"--Stan "Playhouse" Xhiao
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"The bugler for the 3rd Calvary Division sent this...He said the corps says 'Hi'."--jeffrey
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BLOW ME! Hahaha! Goddamn I'm funny! Blow me! Oh man, I kill myself!--munkiman
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"That Dizzy Gilespie's a big fuckin' crybaby!"--Westur the Unspeakable
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"The Apocalypse wasn't as bad as everyone said it would be. We had cake and ice cream -- and look, I got to keep the seventh trumpet that summoned destruction upon all mankind!"--Helder
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"My God", thought Thel, "it's, it's shiny." Forty two hours and sixteen cases of Pledge later, Billy could see his reflection on every ceiling in the house.--Eric the Black
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I was acquitted! Justice may be blind, but she can sure count money!--phil
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Now let's see the old bastard sleep till noon!--Gen. Sedgwick
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"Whosoever pulls this trumpet from Bil's anus is rightwise king born of all England! ...Or he just gets a stinkpalm, I forget which."--Pete, salvaging the Red Zone
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Yeah, the sick kid down the block was having one of those "Make A Wish" parties. Turns out he should've wished that I wouldn't kick his ass and take his presents!--me, myself, I (feeling dirty)
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Thel had no idea what vile, contemptible thing Billy had done to get the balloon, party hat, and bugle, but, sure enough, it gave her another grey hair.--The Outsider
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Thel could care less about the party favor... She wanted the "Bacon-in-a-Balloon."--Rev. Stackpole
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"$200 in small bills or I practice six times a day!"--Eric the Black
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"Oh GREAT!" thought Thel, "Now he thinks he's the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B... I'd better get the hose."--Goddess Dionysus
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"Lookit all this cool shit that the neighbors are practically giving away! Well, maybe giving is the wrong word. But they didn't put up too much of a fight for it. Well, I guess I did have to break that kid's arm. But this is some cool shit, no?" --Hang Lose
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Thel didn't hear a word that the mewling idiot was saying. She was just trying to figure out when their house had been moved to the surface of the moon.--scoob
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That Mitchel kid can throw some badass parties: cake, ice cream, baloons, prizes, fries, and blow, blow, blow.--anuSanus
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Yeah, things kinda slowed down once the Coroner arrived. He blocked the driveway, and we couldn't make another beer run!--JuJu
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" I'm back from New Years! What day is it?"--Adam K.
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Try it, mom! This baby's got enough juice to energize even your boring ass!!!--Shane
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Later that evening, the Keanes received separate court summons from a clown, a jazz musician, a balloon salesman, a Chinese food delivery person, and a midget businessman.--Hang Lose
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As Billy passed Thel, holding the balloon aloft at her nose level, tragedy was inevitable . . .--Hang Lose
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"Mrs. Jenkins said I could have it as a 'special thank-you' for giving Jimmy an ant-farm for his birthday!"--gypsy
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From the set of Bil Keane's failed television show, "Gigantic Cardboard Box on the Prarie"--Field Marshall Suck
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Thel looked on in bewilderment at the badly drawn character entering the house.Is that Billy? Is it Jeffy? Jesus Christ, is it even human?--Helder
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"Phase 1 is complete: Cathy is contemplating suicide after the 40th birthday party I threw her, and Beatle Bailey's cartoonist is going on sebatical now that he can't use those tired, old bugle jokes any more. Now on to Phase 2."--Helder
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Unable to get invited to any real birthday parties, Billy was forced to throw a party for his trumpet and invite himself.--Helder
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"...an' they had a horse, an' a clown, an' I got this swell trumpet, an' when I won the Pin-the-Tail-on-a-Donkey I won this nifty hat with a tampon hangin' off it!"--M (salvaging)
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"Happer Tooty, you ol' floppy breasted Lysol junkie! I'm drunk as hell and ready for some mammy-lovin'!"--anon
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As soon as Gyong j'Cank the Lesser blew the Horn of Graggath that the mysterious spacefarer had given him, he saw an interdimensonal gateway open up. "Splendid!" he thought. "Now I can escape from those Imperial swine for good!" But soon after he burst into existence in the Keane household, possessing only a few belongings in his Levit-O-Bag, Gyong began to suspect that perhaps he would have been better off drawn and quartered by the Empire's evil Inquisitors after all.--Gerald's Better Half
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They say if you stare at the glow, it begins to turns you into some sorta crab-creature! Ridiculous huh, Mom? Mom?--Dentalwork
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From the makers of Silly Straw comes...Crazy Catheter!--Bad Girl
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Boy, those Scientologists sure know how to recruit!--Heath
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"Man! Those Shriners can party!!!!"--Don Cabron
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Hey check out what that Dr. Faustus guy down the street sold me!--The EXXXorcist
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Last known photo of Thelma J. Keane in the last stages of neck-thinning. Later that day she choked on a poppy seed.--anon
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"Look! Now we each have one hooter!"--Heath
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Yes, Thel knew the shame of giving birth to a Prop-Comic.--Rodney
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Well, here I am! Straight from Hell, in your own living room: a demon to torment you for all eternity!--Gerald's Better Half
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Find the rhyming pairs: Hooter-Looter, Felon-Melon, Strumpet-Trumpet, ...--Ken
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"Yeah, they gave away some good stuff at Jimmy's house-- but it was nuthin' like the time you filled my birthday party grab bags with 'phallactics and 'scription medicine!"--Hang Lose
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