DFC #442 |
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Image © 1998 Bil Keane, Inc. Distributed by Cowles Synd., Inc. |
"I've been doing the I must, I must, I must increase my bust thing for hours and it's not working!"--Eric the Black
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"Mommmm! I don't want to see Bil's rendition of Lord of the Dance anymore!"--Eric the Black
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"Now that daddy's home, can we please stop levitating?"--Dvandom
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Billy ignored the mostly happy domestic tableau playing itself out behind him--it wasn't often that you got to see Snoopy take it up the butt.--Elbow
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Bil's retun from prison days were a mixture of happiness and pain as overexuberant hugs snapped bones and dislocated shoulders.--Coyote
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"This shirt ... these shorts ... these shoes ... omigod, I'm a dork!"--Helder
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Daddy said "Deliver this hug to that worthless bitch and maybe she will forgive me".--Schmuck
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"M- M- Mommy, Daddy said that structural linguistics negates the classical interpretation of symbol systems, as it calls attention to the impossiblity of standing outside of the linguistic symbol-object referent! Tell me that it's not true!"--me, myself, I
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Well, what about my needs?--Gen. Sedgwick
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The coroner listed the cause of death as "choking." Under "contributory factors," he listed "Thel's ineptitude at charades" and "nothing sounds like 'Heimlich', anyway."--Gen. Sedgwick
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Mommy, I can't hold it in any longer. That alien wants out BAD!!!!--The EXXXorcist
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"Man o man... there's a lot of real estate between here and the front door."--Svingen
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"I ran to welcome daddy home an' he said if I didn't shut my fuckin' hole, he'd pull my still-beating heart from my chest cavity an' show it to me 'fore I died!"--Jeffrey
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Thel! He said he's canceled my contract! Can he do that?--Terminus
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"It's ... it's ... it's another AOL disk! Make it stop! Make it stop!!"--me, myself, I
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Why doesn't he give anyone else titty-twisters when he comes home from work?--deX!
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"Great," sighed Thel. "He's hypnotizing the kids again. I just wish he could make them do something besides 'Angsty Chicken'."--deX!
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I tried to say "Hi" to Raven like the message said, but he just ripped my heart out like in Indiana Jones!--Livin' In Deep 13 (Hi Raven, and Farewell MST)
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"I played the lead in Hamlet for the Shakespeare Theater Company, for God's sake, and now you have me reading tripe like, "Daddy's hugs give me goose-dimples"?? Well, this mortal coil is shuffling off to his trailer and calling it a day!"--Hang Lose
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Oh, Mommy, it was awful!!! He had bear claws and cinnamon rolls!!--the skyclad answer
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The plastic zoldierz, long considered a figment of the DFC's collective imagination, made their first on-panel appearance in this 1973 classic, also distinguished by Jeffy's stunning baritone performance as Pagliacci.--Ace
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Perspective.... shifting! Room.... getting much....wider.... siblings.... getting father away. On second thought, this ain't all bad...--Coalcracker
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Years of therapy: $48,000. Multiple courses of IV antibiotics: $5,600. Buying Bil and Roy a timeshare weekend at Fire Island: $15,500. The look on the little fucker's face as he realizes he's never getting another solo panel again: priceless.--zen
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"My iMac doesn't have a floppy drive! It doesn't have a floppy drive!!"--me, myself, I (salvaging myself)
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I know you're safety concious, but we're in the living room! Do I still have to wear a life-vest?--Bad Girl
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Since when does coming home warrant a French kiss? I think he spends just a little too much time over at Roy's place.--anon
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"Lose nipple? Help, Pine Sol!" -- from Thel's Handy Palindromic Guide To Using Common Household Cleaning Products for First Aid--scoob
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The Family Circus Screensaver, shown above, received a rating of 1/2-a-mouse by "MacWorld" for its ability to make the user's life seem slightly less pathetic.--Torc.
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The Jonny Erection! action figure with patented Grab-ass grip. An action figure that can "hold his own" an any mutant filled planet. --Crackhead Jonny (salvaging Hang Loose, I actually liked his submission better)
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Here's his wallet. Next time you hug him. I'm gonna take a shower.--Mr.Jones
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"Bad touch!! Bad touch!!!"--Sean Q
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Dolly, PJ, and Barfy were all excited when Bil's finished his nickel and got out of the joint. Billy had already spent 6 months in county, so he wasn't much impressed. Jeffy, however, was somewhat distraught when Bil asked him to "toss his salad". "Conjugal Visits" by Thelma Louise Keane--Lt. Dan
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Uncle Roy's presence always caused Jeffy's stigmata to act up.--deX!
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Tragedy followed after Bil's misguided attempt to answer the question, "How do they cram all of that graham into Golden Grahams?"--deX!
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"Gasp ... I just ... ran ... six miles ... from ... the sidewalk. This new perspective sucks."--Helder
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My contract specificly allows me to hide stupid T-shirt slogans, if I so choose!--Namgubed the Merry Elf
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Well, he's in a frenzy, alright, Thel thought, but a frenzy of what?--Helder
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In the chaos that followed, no one noticed that Jeffy has swallowed the cat.--Helder
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C'mon, Mom, go for it! He's young, he's got a steady job, and it looks like he's hung like a horse! Hey, even my nipples are erect!--Cranky Bear
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Jeffy channels the spirit of Woodsy Owl.--Dave Matthews
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Contractually, Keane was obligated to depict a certain amount of perspective in each year's batch of cartoons. Finding this artistically distasteful, he usually dumped it all into one throw-away panel in late December.--Mycroft
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Next time Bil gets me a shiv as a souvenier, make him give it to me *handle* first.--Mr. ?
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That's not Daddy! That's the product of Curious George and The Yellow Hat Man's illicit love!--anon
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"B-but... I'm the star! They should love me! ME!"--frer
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Unfortunately, the Heimlich maneuver wasn't invented until 1974.--Bad Girl
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The shylock said if Bil doesn't come up with the Vig by Friday, your thumbs are next.--Judgement Night
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The door to door Thorazine salesman realized that this time he really hit pay dirt--Crackhead Jonny
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"On top of all the other weird shit in this panel, now apparently I'm starting to lactate! Where will it all end?"--anon
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I'll run Bil's samples up to Diagnostics. Judging from his appearance, I'd say PCP, HIV and Hepatitis B at the minimum. --Argyle
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Something about a pact of eternal youth, paid with Dolly's imortal soul. Next time you answer the door. --happy me
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Hey kids, make up your own cartoons with new Colorforms(tm) Family Circus(tm) Play Circle! With over 300 Colorforms pieces of clip art, you can make your own Family Circus cartoons -- then sell them to the Cowles Publishing Syndicate for real money! This is our Family Circus -- what's yours? --#18A247......$2.49/set--phil
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"The kid attacks a salesman, the kid attacks a salesman, hi-ho the dairy-o the kid attacks a salesman. The dog mauls the kid, the dog mauls the..."--Magus
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PJ's flight to the door triggers Barfy's inner wolf.--Octophile
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Jeffy didn't mind playing "Red Rover" so much as he minded the "house rules".--Heath
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Would you remind Daddy of the difference between a bear hug an' a pneumothorax?--Namgubed the Merry Elf
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Answer to "Three in a Row": the common theme was a rhyme -- comet (#442), vomit (#443), and Gromit (#444).--Gen. Sedgwick
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"Damn! Why didn't you warn me about underwires?"--Deiphage
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This picture was never used in What's wrong with this picture? because the editors of Highlights For Children couldn't reach a final count before press time.--snackwhore
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"My inner child is crying out for a hug ... and a little smack, if you got any."--Helder
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In typical villain fashion, Thel's dark minions would only attack one at a time.--El Caballero
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"Running on all fours / My stomach lusts for child flesh / What have I become?" Barfy, Haiku--Magus
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... And as they come around to the quarter pole, it's Baby Buttplug in front, Tuesday's Dinner 3 lengths behind, and Hypno-Horsey has yet to make the turn.--Ken
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The day Jeffy conceived his interpretive dance classic, Daddy Smells Funny.--Bad Girl
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"(Sob, sniff!) Mooo-ooom! Dad says I'm too 'saggy-waggy'!"--anon
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As Bil plunges deeper into the barbituate-induced coma, his hands have a mind of their own...Knowing scale nor time, his stint in Vietnam blends seamlessly into his morning commute to the deadend part-time job he held in college. Finally, his fantasies come to life as he French-kisses his daughter, the dog comes runnning to his unbridled lust, and his unwanted middle child suffers the Devils' grip...--Mr. Kontoontwon
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On his deathbed, Jeffrey Keane was heard to utter "...plastic soldierz...PLASTIC SOLDIERZ....." For years, people wondered, "Just who were these "soldierz"?" They would never know..... -- excerpt from Citizen Keane--Don Cabron
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"I knew that if I wanted to succeed, I would have to practice often." Excerpts from My life as an Electric Football Player Model, by Jeffy "Melonhead" Keane--Drummer
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It's true! I just read the court order! He does have visitation rights!--Coalcracker
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Bil tries to illustrate Boyle's Law by doubling the volume of the living room. While it did succeed in reducing the number of molecular collisions, it also made the room a heck of a lot whinier.--scoob
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As Willie Lowman gazed at the Keane household, he realized that his life wasn't half bad.--Crackhead Jonny
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